The Bricks On My Back

Madden (age 9)

I remember when I loved to learn. I was good at Maths, English and Science. I even won some Science Awards from my school and a Science competition at Griffith University. My mum put all my awards in frames on my wall.

I felt very proud of my school, and I had some friends I had gone to Kindy with who also went to my school. My mum and I would drive past the school after she picked me up from Kindy and we would talk about when I would go to big school there. It was close to my house, so I wanted to ride my bike there one day when I was old enough.

I don’t have any brothers or sisters, so my friends were really important to me. I liked sport as well; my school had sports days when my Mum, Nan and sometimes Pop would come along and watch.

School changed a bit when I was in Prep. An older boy in my class started bullying me and he wasn’t very nice. I would feel really sad about leaving my mum and sometimes felt sick in the tummy. My mum would speak with the teacher, but nothing felt like it had changed. Mum spoke to the school a lot when I was in Prep and Year 1, even to the Principal – a lot. But nothing changed and I started to feel like I didn’t want to go to school because the first bully now had friends who also bullied me. A couple of times I had to go to my doctor because I was pushed over and the doctor said I had a concussion. Another time one of the bullies kicked me so hard I couldn’t walk for a few days.

I felt like I was carrying bricks on my back.

I started to feel really frightened of going to school. The main bully and his friends also bullied some other kids, but the teachers didn’t stop them. They were given thinking rooms and not allowed to come to the class for a few hours, but they just laughed about that, and, when they came back to the class, the teacher was always yelling because they wouldn’t do what she wanted.

I stopped loving to learn. My mum would spend a few hours most days helping me with the homework because I couldn’t concentrate in class. I was always looking around trying to protect myself.

I missed a lot of school because in the morning a few times I even vomited at the thought of going or, when I went, I’d go to sick bay and Mum or Nan would come and pick me up. Mum said I had panic attacks. I don’t know what that means but they felt really bad. At first, my last teacher was very nice to me, but even she couldn’t stop the bullies. They also picked on my friends who were mostly girls and I felt I had to protect them from these boys.

There were more bricks on my back, and they were getting heavier.

I felt like some of the teachers were bullies too. The Principal came up with some stupid rules about where I could and couldn’t go. He said it was to keep me safe but it made me worry more in case I broke one of the rules. There were too many rules. Then I said to my Mum one day that the bricks were too heavy, and it felt like my back was going to break.

We had a talk and Mum decided school wasn’t a safe place for me. I told her I never wanted to go to any school again, so she pulled me out and said I was going to do something called homeschooling. That was in August 2024.  My Mum, Nan and I have had to learn a whole lot of new things – I think they were all worried I would not get a good education.  

I think I still have a lot to learn. I go to a really good homeschoolers’ group but when I first went there, I felt sick and I think I had close to what my Mum says is a panic attack. It looked like my old classroom a bit with chairs and desks. And when my Mum and Nan left, I did feel very sick. But I stayed for the whole time, made a new friend and was very happy. It was different to school and I’m going back again next week. 

Now I don’t wake up feeling like I want to vomit. I really like that where I learn doesn’t look like a classroom. I feel a whole lot safer and I like learning in different ways. Plus, my mum doesn’t yell at me and I don’t have to keep looking around for the bullies. I go for lots of bike rides now before I learn in the morning and I have new friends whom I sometimes go swimming with. And I like cooking things. 

The bricks on my back aren’t so heavy anymore; they are starting to lift. And I think I’m starting to love learning again.

The End